TranslateWorld Suicide Prevention Day: Tracey's experience of suicide
Published: 01 January 0001
This World Suicide Prevention Day, Tracey Robinson, a member of staff at our Trust, shared her experiences of losing her daughter, Ellie, to suicide.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, Mind has a range of support and advice available.
If you feel that you are at immediate risk of suicide or self-harm, call NHS 111 or 999.
On the 19th August 2024 at exactly 19 minutes past one, on a very ordinary day in an ordinary life, the foundations of our life came crashing down around us when our quirky, beautiful, kind and loving daughter ended her life, hitting us with a magnitude and force that was unprecedented.
The lives we had built with love over time, with the belief that tragedy was something that happened to other families, imploded around us.
If I had to give an image that could define what had happened and how our lives were irrevocably changed, it would be of a world suddenly shattered. One moment everything is familiar and secure, and the next nothing feels recognisable.
From that moment, you are held within the horror of what has occurred. Blindsided by the reality, staring in shock and disbelief as the inconceivable becomes your reality, now and evermore.
As you frantically, in terror, ring your loved one's phone in the belief that this cannot be real, desperate to hear their voice just one more time, you already know in your heart that they will never pick up again.
Then, as your world collapses around you, the devastation spreads far and wide. The impact reaches not only those nearest to you, but everyone whose life was touched by your loved one. The friend who screams down the phone in disbelief. The man at the corner shop who cannot grasp that Ellie will never call again when he has stocked her favourite Oreo cookies.
The centre of your world collapses around you. The effects on your life, your physical and emotional health, and your wellbeing are not even understood at this point. You cannot know how this will shape the rest of your life. Your trust in the building blocks that kept you, and everything you loved and valued, feeling safe is shattered beyond recognition.
You will be forever changed.
Ask me two years ago who inspired me, and I would have said, for those who can remember, Margaret Rutherford's charismatic face as Madame Arcati in Blithe Spirit and her portrayal of Miss Marple whilst wearing a fabulous array of knitwear.
Velma from Scooby-Doo, who made wearing glasses and orange look cute and sassy.
Ask me now and the people who inspire me are the people I meet who have experienced losing someone they have loved to suicide. Everyday mums, dads, brothers, sisters, partners and friends whose determination to survive against almost impossible odds whilst living with the grief of utter despair is extraordinary.
These are the people who change laws, fight tirelessly for awareness, and speak openly about the desolation and heartbreak of losing someone precious to suicide.
Each of us is bound together by an experience that far too many share and, sadly, will continue to share, with suicide relentlessly taking those who are most vulnerable.
Those who have faced devastation beyond comprehension understand the devastated.
Our lives will never be, nor should they be, the same again. This dreadful illness, whose end can be terminal for sufferers, is often hidden behind a smile and the appearance of everyday normality, robbing so many families, friends and partners of those they love, leaving in its wake the ruins of a life story ended too soon.
But as survivors, although we live among the ruins, we will not allow suicide to ruin our lives. We will tell our loved one's story and never forget. Some of the most beautiful and serene ruins tell the most beautiful stories behind them, standing proudly through time, eternally remembered.
For you, Ellie, and anyone on this horrendous journey.
Love,
Her very proud mum.
